Tales of Captain Sparrow
by hopefuladdict
Summary: Response to a prompt by Linstock while responding to her review for In Memoriam.  And now another wonderful chapter brought to you by Linstock
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer**

**I do not own Star Trek. I make no money from this tale. If _you_ own Star Trek, even a small piece, and wish to give it to me...please, please do so.**

**A/N**

**My apologies for any errors, unbeta'd and tweaked up to the last second, translation: all boo boos are mine and mine alone.**

**Trading notes with Linstock about Captain Sparrow and got this...**

**_Rubs hands in anticipation…The much lamented Captain Sparrow has gone to the great cattery in the sky but his legacy of embarrassing or/and touching stories lives on…._**  
**_I could see a story with a group drinking a toast in memory of Captain Sparrow and telling stories against each other.. Sort of "I remember when blah blah.." Just a thought._**

**And thus this story was born.**

**Open call to any authors who would like to write a one-shot of Captain Sparrow's exploits. I would love to put them together. They don't have to go with what I have written or can, your choice.**

**~Hopeful**

A Tale of Captain Sparrow

"Do you think you could get the cadet to come out with us?" Captain Pike asked, looking at Spock with a concerned sincerity that spoke volumes to how discrete the Commander and Uhura had been in their relationship. Christopher appeared to not suspect anything untoward between the two, despite Spock's error in referring to Nyota by her first name in front of the Captain just two evenings ago.

"What I mean to say is you don't think she'll be uncomfortable being herself and letting go around a bunch of senior officers. I know the experience would help her, but not if she's worried or thinking about everything she says or does in front of us."

Spock greatly appreciated Christopher's consideration of Nyota and his mutual care for her wellbeing.

"I am certain Cadet Uhura will understand she is at liberty to be…'at ease', considering the nature of the gathering," he replied. "I will endeavor to convey that she should consider herself among 'fellow friends of Captain Sparrow' and not her commanding officers. I believe the memorial will be enlightening for her and will enrich the memories she has of Pi'Shi'ka'ree."

"All right then," Chris said, waiving Spock toward his door in a casual dismissal. "We'll see you both at 1900."

Spock gave his assent and turned to take his leave when the Captain spoke again.

"Isn't the name Pi'Shi'ka'ree Vulcan?"

Spock paused and faced Christopher again.

"Yes, Sir."

"That's interesting; Cadet Uhura giving her pet a Vulcan name. What does it mean?" Pike requested, spinning a stylus between two fingers and looking at the PADD before him on his desk as opposed to directly at Spock.

"Little hunter." Spock supplied, tilting his head in curiosity at Chris's questions.

"Hmm."

"Was there something else you wished to ask, Captain?" Spock asked, with a calm belying the growing tension he was suddenly experiencing.

Pike gave his PADD a tap with the stylus then looked up at Spock with a seemingly overtly innocent expression on his face.

"No, Spock." Chris said, after what felt to Spock like a very long pause. "Sorry to keep you. Dismissed"

When the door swished shut behind the Commander the Captain smiled to himself.

"It's a little less obvious than 'Spockam' I suppose." He mumbled to himself as he pulled up his messages.

* * *

Spock followed Nyota through the door of the 'fleet bar' at 1900, as requested by Captain Pike, keeping a respectable amount of space between his body and her's after he'd considered Christopher's questioning earlier in the day. The memorial/party in honor of Captain Sparrow was already in full swing, with a remarkably large group of officers and cadets alike, in attendance.

Nyota looked back over her shoulder at Spock and gave him a broad smile before beginning to wind her way through the evening crowd to get to the group.

Captain Pike stood and greeted the pair warmly.

Nyota did a double take when Spock readily accepted what appeared to be whiskey to drink from the Captain as he asked her what she would like to have. There were several pitchers of beer on the table and she told him that would be fine. He poured her a pint while clearing his throat in a manner demanding the party's attention.

"I'd like to propose a toast to Cadet Uhura," Pike said as he passed Nyota her drink. "I've already shared with you how this fine cadet took care our fellow, albeit furry, officer. I don't think our wily Captain Sparrow could have had a lovelier companion to see him to the end of this adventure and on to his next. Knowing what I do of the Captain, I suspect he wasn't injured at all when she found him. It was just a ploy to get in the good graces of an attractive lady."

There were nods and smiles all around as the group raised their glasses and then drank.

Christopher pulled up another chair for Uhura and gestured for her to sit as Spock got one for himself.

"I think considering the Cadet's noble effort we should regale her with some of Sparrow's more noteworthy exploits."

An hour later, Spock was the only person at the hodge-podge of tables pushed together not shaking with laughter and wiping tears from his face as one tale ended and another began.

Commander Smithson struggled for breath, red faced with what Nyota would realized shortly was embarrassment as well as mirth as she began her story.

"Well, Captain Sparrow was the only cat I'd seen around campus."

"Oh, God!" Lt. Commander Ryus exclaimed, dropping his head to the table while giving a loud snort, and shaking with a fresh wave of laughter.

"Oh, shut up Gus!" Smithson said, while several others she knew had heard the story before covered their faces as they laughed as well. "What people!" She growled, even as she laughed at herself. "I was raised in the city. My parents wouldn't even let me have a fish."

Nyota looked at Spock to see the corner of his mouth quirked up.

"Do you know this one?" She asked, though the answer was apparent.

"I was present during the incident she is preparing to share." He replied, returning her gaze with amusement in his eyes. "Commander Smithson was a first year cadet at the time. We are well acquainted. She dated my roommate Matthew for some time."

"Hey, shut it over there, Commander." Smithson barked playfully, when she noticed the Commander and Cadet conferring. Nyota clamped a hand over her mouth, spilling the beer she held in her other in the process, as she tried to muffle her shocked laughter, her eyes wide with amazement at anyone talking to Spock that way. Spock didn't seem the least bit surprised or affronted at the woman's outburst."

"So it's a nice Saturday and I'm studying on a bench over on the quad." Smithson continued, looking at Nyota. "And I notice this pretty gray cat lying in the sun by a bush. Like I said, I'd never seen another cat around campus so I get up to go see if it will let me pet it."

"I was just about to it when I hear a low hiss from the bush, and then Captain Sparrow jumps out of the damn shrub, scaring the hell out of me in the process and pounces on the other cat."

Lt. Commander Ryus guffaws began anew and he choked on the drink he was taking.

Smithson ignored him and pressed on.

"Well, the animals start screeching and struggling and I was horrified. Captain Sparrow was attacking the poor little grey kitty! I didn't know what to do and I certainly didn't want to get the holy hell scratched out of me so I started yelling, 'Bad Sparrow bad!' while looking for a stick or something to try to get the Captain off the other cat. I couldn't find one, so I grab my bag and was just about to whack the shit out of Sparrow when _Cadet _Spock's voice comes out of nowhere and says, 'Margaret, I do not believe Captain Sparrow would appreciate being struck while he and Miss Kitty are copulating….that is not to say that he would appreciate being struck at any other time."

"Oh my God." Nyota blurted, before letting out a high pitch 'eeeeeeeeeeeeee' sound.

Lt. Commander Ryus leaned back in his chair, wiping tears from his face while repeating 'oh man, oh man, oh man…"

Pike was holding his chest, gasping for air.

"How the hell was I supposed to know they were having sex?" Commander Smithson wailed dramatically. "I mean, right there! In the middle of the damn quad! That shameless, horny bastard!"

When Nyota finally caught her breath she looked again to Spock.

"Miss Kitty?"

"Admiral T'Pol's prize Persian."

The 'eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee' sound emitted from Nyota again as the whole group erupted in another round of laughter at Spock's deadpan delivery of the awful truth. She swayed in her chair and Spock grasped her elbow and steadied her.

"Vulcan or no, I thought for sure Captain Sparrow had breathed his last after violating the admiral's prize pus… er, feline." Smithson said, stumbling over the last of her statement and blushing redder than Nyota thought possible at almost using 'pussy' to describe the cat.

"I was sure Sparrow was a goner on that one as well," Pike said, continuing to chuckle. "I wonder what stayed the admiral's hand."

"Punishing Captain Sparrow for his biological drive to mate would have been illogical." Spock said, in his usual monotone delivery of what he believed should be obvious information; causing more laughter though he was unsure why. "And Admiral T'Pol was pleased with Miss Kitty and Captain Sparrow's resulting litter. Injecting new blood into a pure line often produces heartier offspring."

"Pi'Shi'ka'ree has kids!"

"Oh, yes." Captain Pike replied with a smile. "Raise your hand if you are the proud owner of one of Captain Sparrow's children please."

Nyota giggled as hands went up all over the room, _including _Spock's.

Uhura looked at him in surprise. "_You_ have a cat?"

"Kis-ka-veh lives with Grandmother Grayson."

_"Jealous one?" _Nyota said, translating the cats name as both her eyebrows shot up.

Captain Pike started laughing again, "Oh, Cadet…_that_ is a very good story."


	2. Captain Sparrow to the Rescue

_I am so happy that other writers were interested in adding to the adventures of Captain Sparrow. This story is brought to you Linstock. She has another one on the way too! And if you're wondering how Spock's kitten got her name...I'll be sharing it shortly._

_-Hopeful_

_Title: Captain Sparrow to the Rescue_

_Author: Linstock_

_Code: Ensemble_

_Rating: PG_

_Type: Humour_

_Summary: He was not just a fat and adorable, yellow, fellow (albeit furry) officer, he was a hero, who knew? A group of friends toast the dear departed Captain Sparrow._

_C_**aptain Sparrow to the rescue. **

Lieutenant Smidders listened to the many and varied stories of Captain Sparrow as they were shared by the ever growing group of officers and cadets with an increasing feeling that none of them understood the real Captain. They thought he was an adventurer, fighter, manipulator, feline Don Juan and lunch thief, with far more than nine lives… but there was more to the Captain than that.

Lieutenant Smidders stood, a little shakily, and said solemnly, "The thing none of you seem to realise is that the Captain was in fact a hero. He once saved my life."

This utterance was greeted with hoots, and a few peanuts were tossed, in a good-natured way.

"Sit down, Smiddy, you ass," called Lt. Commander Ryus, "you've been decoding too many top secret signals."

Ryus swirled his finger around his ear to emphasise his point.

Smiddy drew himself up to his considerable height and continued a little blearily.

"You can laugh," which proved true, as by now several at the table were laughing. "But were it not for the noble Captain Sparrow you would now be saying, 'I wonder what ever happened to that bright young cadet Smidders?'"

There were eye rolls all around.

"'Who?' the ignorant would ask. You would reply, 'Smidders, the best of the best, who one day just disappeared and was never heard of again.'"

Hoots and cat calls greeted this speech.

Pike again took command of the situation.

"Lieutenant Smidders," he said solemnly, "it seems you have an important tale to tell. Please tell us about the Captain's noble exploit."

Lieutenant Smidders nodded solemnly and told his tale…

"As a cadet I had the misfortune to share a room with that ass," said Smidders, pointing at Ryus. "Anyway, he had been completely won over by the Captain and insisted on letting him sleep in the dorm room. It was against the rules then just as now. I admit, to my shame, I was not a cat fancier and did not appreciate the Captain's preferences for sleeping on my black uniform trousers, not Ryus' trousers, mine - there is no justice, and no amount of brushing could remove all the orange cat hair."

"Why is that?" Enquired a disgruntled voice loudly from the outer fringes of the group. "Why do cats sit on your good black clothes more than…" The voice died away under Smidders' irritated glare.

"Well….when I was a second year cadet we had a visit from a group of Glanorian dignitaries," Smidders continued.

"I remember them," shouted Commander Smithson, "They were an eyeful! They were the first offworlders I had seen who seems really alien and they were in such a large group, 25 or so as I remember."

"Yep. They were here to inspect the facilities as part of very early attempts to attract Glanorians into Starfleet." said Pike. "There were several prominent teachers and scientists with their family groups."

"They were quite engaging. Good lord, they could move as gracefully and sinuously as cat," Commander Smithson commented with an almost dreamy look in her eye. "I remember being shocked that they were naked."

When guffaws broke out the Smithson's somewhat misleading comment she continued, "Well, they seemed naked to me."

"Glanorians find clothing extremely uncomfortable. It is unnecessary as their natural pelt provides sufficient insulation." Spock interjected as he observed more than one look of confusion among the group of listeners at Smithson's statements. His voice was soft but could be heard clearly as he continued to explain. "Their skin is very sensitive to the movement of their fur; it is one of the ways they sense the environment. To a Glanorian, wearing clothes is like wearing ear muffs would be to you Commander; it dulls an important sense. Furthermore anything that restricts the movement of their tails is abhorrent."

"I remember," said Pike eagerly, "they used those tails as effectively as another hand. I'd read about it but I had never seen anything like it."

Uhura sighed softly, "The Glanorian language is partly vocal, partly sign, and impossible to speak properly if you do not have a tail. It's fascinating."

"You sound like Spock - 'fascinating'." hooted Smithson, earning a raised eyebrow from the man in question.

"Well," said Lieutenant Smidders pointedly, "I was one of the cadets who were tasked with entertaining the younger family group members when the elders were in serious talks. One young lady called Nimimia seemed particularly taken with me. She was a sweet and intelligent lass and her fur was a lovely, slightly mottled, golden yellow. When she asked to see where the cadets lived I did not see any problem with showing her."

Around the table eyes were rolled and several sniggers were heard. Smidders blushed, as only the very fair can, a bright cherry pink colour.

"We slipped away from the group and I showed her around the common rooms and facilities. Then she wanted to see our 'nests', as she called the bedrooms."

There was a general moan of derision.

"I took her to my room."

Cries of "oh oohs" and "you didn't" were heard.

Smidders, very much on his dignity, said, "I was merely following orders to show the visitors around and keep them entertained."

Several snorts were heard.

"Well with one thing led to another,"

"Especially another!" someone said sotto voce.

"We got to talking and she wanted to know if I had fur anywhere other than my head."

Howls greeted this statement.

"She was fascinated by the fact that we did not have tails and that we had fur on our heads but nowhere else. I took off my shirt …"

Groans were heard all around; even Pike has shaking his head in disbelief.

"She loved that I had hair on my chest but not my back," said Smidders patiently.

"She asked to touch it." A hubbub broke out, and a couple of whistles. Smidders, blushing fiercely, shouted, "My chest hair, you fools."

When Pike had settled the crowd down he said, "Get to the point, son".

Smidders nodded.

"Well, she touched my head and I touched hers; she felt like silk velvet," he said dreamily. "She touched my chest hair and I touched her shoulder mane. She stroked my back and I stroked her tail. She seemed to like that. It was just curiosity, no harm in it. Anyway, there was a buzz at the door and it was the Glanorian guards come looking for her. We panicked and she dived under my bed and I ran to the bathroom and stuck my head under the shower and then opened the door drying my hair with a towel and looking innocent."

A general hush had fallen on the table now.

"The guards barged into the room and started to question me and I had just about convinced them that Nimimia was not here and I was freshening up for the reception that night when one of them spotted the end of her ginger tail just showing from under the bed spread."

General groans broke out.

"One of the guards shouted, and I didn't know what he said but it did not sound friendly, and they drew their weapons and I was suddenly terrified. One guard started across the room. The tail had flicked out of sight as soon as the guard yelled. Just as the guard approached the bed, Captain Sparrow strolled out from under the bed, as casually as you please, stretched and yawned and rubbed against the guard's leg. The guards were nonplussed. I picked up the Captain and acted outraged and the flustered guards soon left."

"When they had gone Nimimia emerged from under the bed. She made a huge fuss of the Captain and wanted to take him with her. I had a hard time convincing her it was not a good idea. I eventually smuggled her out of the building the back way."

Smidders pulled himself to his full height and proclaimed, "To this day I believe that I owed my skin to the Captain's timely intervention."

Spock stated, "You may well be correct, Lieutenant. Glanorians are extremely protective of their families, especially their young females. As the Glanorian you describe had a yellow coat without brown barring, she was very young indeed and any perceived interference with her would be dealt with swiftly and decisively."

Nyota's slightly slurred voice asked Spock innocently,"Isn't stoking the tail of a Glanorian considered…you know…aerobic… exortic?"

"Erotic?" suggested Pike helpfully.

"Thash it!" Nyota nodded triumphantly. "It'sh foreplay."

"Indeed," replied Spock drily.

Smidders blanched and sat down very suddenly as it dawned on him just how inappropriate the story he shared really was and that the danger, which had always seemed to be just a good story, had been chillingly and soberingly real.

Pike rose to his feet and raised his glass. "To the noble Captain Sparrow, master of strategy and timing, saviour of _supremely_ naive cadets, an Officer and a Gentleman."

"The Captain" was echoed all around the table and the toast was drunk.


	3. Nicknames

Title: Nicknames

Author: Linstock

Code: Ensemble

Rating: PG

Type: Humour

Summary: He was not just a fat and adorable, yellow, fellow (albeit furry) officer, he was a hedonist. A group of friends toast the dear departed Captain Sparrow.

"Late as usual," shouted Ryus as Lieutenant Commander Archibald joined the group.

"Unlike you, some of us have to work," replied Archibald in a rolling deep baritone. He pulled a chair over and high-handedly bullied everyone at the table until they made room for him. He settled himself in a chair opposite Uhura and beamed at her.

He extended his hand and said, "Fair lady, I am Horatio Eustace John Archibald, at your service."

Uhura was rather impressed by this imperious and imposing man.

"Cadet Uhura," she replied as his large hand engulfed hers.

"What, may I enquire, is your chosen field, fair lady?" Archibald enquired.

"Communications, and at present I am also Commander Spock's research assistant."

"Impressive. If you meet our Vulcan commander's high standards you must indeed be formidable." He pronounced the last with a rolling French accent.

"You can see where he got his nickname," Smithson stated dryly.

Archibald turned to Smithson and barked, "Smithson, do you really want to start talking nicknames?"

Calls of "ohhh" were heard and general rowdy banter broke out amongst all the people at the table. Uhura caught "honey tongue", "iron pants", "chooky", "balderdash", "hotpants", "mustard", "the exterminator" and "fog" although she could not quite catch which sobriquet belong to whom.

After some time Archibald leaned forward conspiratorially and said, "Dear lady, you will note how the pointy eared gentleman next to you avoids this conversation?"

Uhura nodded.

"Anyone would think that he is without a nickname from his days as a cadet. This is not so. There are those at this table who know the good commander's secret."

Archibald winked and continued, "Note how he feigns indifference and pretends not to hear me? I know this for what it is: he is nervous; he does not want his secret revealed."

"We are here to memorialise Captain Sparrow. It is illogical to digress into a discussion of trivial and unrelated matters," Spock stated rather pompously.

"Not so and far otherwise!" Archibald cried, leaning back and gesturing expansively, knocking over several empty glasses. "The good Captain is instrumental in the matter."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Smithson, "I'd forgotten." She leaned over to Smidders and whispered, causing him snort loudly and exclaim, "I remember."

Archibald settled into his story. "A long time ago, when we were young and callow…"

"Oh for crying out loud, Balderdash," sighed Ryus, "spare us the dramatics,"

"Ignore them, they are philistines," commented Archibald to Uhura. "In those halcyon days we were wont to laze in the gardens of this fine institution of learning, as do the carefree students of today."

The general groans and abuse directed at Archibald were totally ignored but the man.

"We" and Archibald gestured widely to encompass those at the table and beyond, "noticed a strange phenomenon. The good and lately lamented Captain Sparrow, when ever the opportunity presented itself, would invariably choose to settle in the lap of Mr Spock rather than his equally worthy peers." Archibald paused dramatically.

"It's true," Smithson said. "Every time. It drove Matthew crazy; he had that pitiful ploy of trying to get a date using the Captain as bait. Remember? Whenever he wanted to find the Captain he would ask, 'Where's Spock?'."

"It wasn't only the Captain," Ryus proclaimed. "I remember when the first batch of the Captain's kittens arrived and the mother brought them out to meet the world. I once saw Spock virtually covered in kittens. I couldn't get near them."

"Shows the Captain's offspring had some sense," an unidentified voice chimed in.

"I sometimes wondered if Spock kept kippers in his pockets," Ryus murmured. This comment invoked an utterly ridiculous round of speculation about what else Spock could have in his pockets to lure the Captain.

Spock stated calmly, "It was a straightforward matter of relative body temperatures." But no one paid any attention.

Ignoring the general hubbub Pike spoke to Spock quietly. "I remember once hearing what I thought sounded like a small engine running. I peered around some bushes and saw you lying on your back on the grass with the Captain draped over you like a rug, his head on your chest and two legs hanging on each side of your torso. You had your eyes closed and were just stroking the Captain's back. The captain's _purrs_ were what attracted my attention. I do not think I have ever seen any creature who looked as utterly content as the Captain did then."

Pike was a very observant man. He noticed Cadet Uhura's sudden stillness and the deliberately casual way she smoothed her hair behind her ear with her right hand, her face turning ever so slightly in the direction of the tall commander beside her. He noticed Spock's eyes flick quickly to Uhura's face and then away and the faint green tint to the very tips of his ears.

A vision flashed in Pike's mind's eye of another body draped across the commander's torso, sated, indolent and luxuriantly at ease…as the commander's long fingered hand lazily caressed.

"My, my" mused Pike to himself, "you may have hidden depths, commander; still waters, indeed."

Oblivious of anything but his own story, and impatient to finish, Archibald banged the table and continued loudly, "As has been corroborated by my colleagues, we all noticed that it was not just the Captain; any cat that had the choice would invariably choose Spock."

"Of course that is what earned the Commander his nickname," Archibald confided sotto voce to Uhura.

By now Spock had Archibald pinned with a steely glare, but the latter continued undaunted. Looking furtively from side to side as if to ensure they were not overheard, he wiggled his eyebrows and said, "The pussy magnet."

It was unfortunate that Uhura had just taken a drink from her beer; as it sprayed out her nose the protracted coughing fit that ensured prevented any conversation for some time.

Eventually, her eyes still streaming, Uhura looked across the table at Archibald and breathlessly whispered, "Really?"

He nodded solemnly and theatrically crossed his heart. "Really."

Uhura turned to look at Spock. Spock slowly turned to look at her, raised one eyebrow, and tilted his head rakishly. Uhura's mouth fell open and, for once, she was utterly speechless.

Au: This was inspired by a beautiful Spock and cats pic and also TOS Spock's wicked way of raising an eyebrow and tiling his head, such a subtle move and so devastatingly suggestive.


End file.
